


Through Sickness and in Health

by Utimate_Vergil_Simp



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood and Injury, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:00:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29335686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Utimate_Vergil_Simp/pseuds/Utimate_Vergil_Simp
Summary: Reader is suffering from a depression due to being let go from her job. She wonders if Vergil really loves her and if she’s even worthy of that love. In the end, she finds out that true love can weather anything.
Relationships: Vergil (Devil May Cry)/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	Through Sickness and in Health

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic because I’ve been struggling with depression for a while. Suicidal thoughts are very difficult to deal with and this is the first time I’ve ever written about it. I hope you read this and find solace or acknowledgment in your feelings of helplessness or sadness.
> 
> WARNING: This fic contains graphic depictions of self-harm, severe injury and suicide. There are trigger warnings in the appropriate places if you would rather not read and you will be able to understand the context without actually reading the scene.

Your eyes slowly open, eyelids drooping as the sunlight burns a hole in your vision. A fatigue sags your bones as you pull the sheets over your head. You didn’t want to be awake right now, you thought to yourself as you attempted to stop the onslaught of sunlight leaking into your bedroom.

You shift and turn over, blinking bleary-eyed at the empty spot next to your bed. Where’s Vergil, you wonder. A quick glance at your bedside clock indicates to you that it’s _five_ in the afternoon. A tired, annoyed groan escapes you as you begrudgingly pull yourself out of bed. 

Vergil typically lets you sleep in if you don’t wake up on your own, but this was pushing it. Your depression had been coming and going recently, but getting laid off from your job had pushed you into a full depressive episode. You were tired, unmotivated and irritated. 

A sigh rises from your lips and you find yourself getting up, slowly walking into the bathroom. As you sit down to go, you wonder if you can be bothered to take a shower. You had neglected to take one for the past 2 days; You knew you were ripe and Vergil knew you were ripe but you just couldn’t bring yourself to care.

Finishing up in the bathroom, you crawl back into bed, bunching the sheets up again. That’s when you hear footsteps coming up the stairs. You lay there, staring at the wall as your partner opens the bedroom door and steps inside.

“Y/N, you need to bathe yourself.” The frosty man states bluntly, caring for you but not caring for your scent. You say nothing for a little bit until you decide to speak.

“I’ll take one later….” You pawn off the idea of a shower for now, staying wrapped up in the bedsheets. Vergil sighs in exasperation as he sits on the side of the bed, slowly rubbing your thigh.

“Y/N…” Vergil starts again, not sure what to say. He doesn’t understand your human condition of depression; Demons didn’t typically get it. Whilst he was half human, he didn’t have as firm a grasp on his emotions as his brother or son did. For most of his life he denied the fact that they were even there. For him, eviscerating demons was easier than soothing your turbulent emotions.

“Will you at least eat something? I can make you some eggs…” Your partner offered. You’d been teaching him how to cook easy things for occasions where he’d have to prepare his own meals. 

“I’m not really hungry…” This was, of course, the moment your stomach begins to growl. Vergil looks down at your abdomen before looking up at you, tutting. You were being stubborn and you knew it, but you just didn’t want to do anything.

“Y/N, you need to care for yourself. Dante has informed me that your… _condition_ causes you to ignore your needs. If you can’t eat something for yourself will you at least eat something for me?” Your half demon boyfriend tried to rationalise with you.

You winced a little at how he said the word condition. It made you feel like some sort of diseased person, like there was something seriously wrong with you. He meant well, of course he did, but his comment just fueled your depression more. You sighed as you scrunched even further into yourself, pulling the blanket even tighter.

Another sigh slips past Vergil’s lips. He looks down at you for another second, a worried frown on his lips before he gets up and steps out of the room. As he makes his way downstairs he can’t help but feel powerless. He was a strong, proud and powerful devil and yet he couldn’t even help the woman he loved. 

The thought tore him up inside.

As you hear Vergil making his way down the stairs you start to feel an assault of swirling thoughts.

_You don’t deserve him. You’re worthless and pathetic and he’s strong and great. What does he see in someone disgusting like you?_

A tear starts to roll down your cheek as you think of how valueless you feel. Your thoughts had been like this for a while, always there but it was really your ability to block them out that kept them at bay. Yet, you were always at risk of a relapse into your depression. 

The most severe episode of depression you had was only a few years ago, and it left you afraid to go outside due to agoraphobia and too anxious to ask for help. You had stopped eating and had lost a lot of weight and you ended up in hospital once with a few slash marks on your arms.

You had been terrified of showing this to Vergil when you had first gotten together; You were afraid he would think you were pathetic and leave you. Instead, he had been really supportive. He would rub your back as you spoke, listening intently and soothing you with soft words.

Vergil himself had been worried that he couldn’t be the man you needed him to be but just saying that made you love him so much more. That’s why you hated yourself so much right now as you could see the anchor-like effect you were having on him. 

You had been in recovery for a while when you and Vergil first met that fateful day in the quaint little coffee shop near the edge of town. It doubled as a bookstore so customers could sit and drink their coffee and read a good book. You had been reading the play text of Tennessee Williams’ ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’, whilst Vergil was reading ‘The Glass Menagerie’. 

The two of you had been reading either of the play texts on separate sides of the room. Both of you had stepped up to the bookshelf, with you both looking for the other play text and not being able to find it. It wasn’t until Vergil spotted Streetcar in your hand did he indicate that that was the book he was looking for.

When you realised that he also held the sister text you coveted, you had ended up giggling. It was the first genuine laugh you’d had in months and it was all thanks to this handsome stranger in blue. The rest of the day had been talking over tea about the other playwrights, novelists and poets you both mutually enjoyed. 

A small smile spreads on your lips as you think about the wonderful memory. The blue half devil had asked you out after that and after a good few months of dating, you moved in together. Everything had been going so well until you had gotten laid off last month. 

You begin to feel sad again as you look at your phone. Five forty-five. You’ve just been sitting around _thinking_ for almost an hour.

God you hate yourself.

——————————————————

It was eight o’clock now and you had come downstairs for a small bite. Vergil was sitting at the table, reading a book with a mug of chamomile tea next to him. He looks up from his book to see you sit down in front of him, pouring yourself a mug. 

He seemed pleased that you were up and at least attempting to nourish yourself. He cleared his throat and indicated towards something he had sitting in your toaster oven. You glance at it before getting up and checking what he’d left you. It was a grilled cheese sandwich with red onions, bacon and three types of cheese.

You smile, a genuine one spreading across your face this time. You looked at Vergil who was too busy ignoring your look of gratitude to read his book. The tips of his ears were tinted ever so slightly pink. You sat down beside him this time, kissing his cheek before you tuck in.

Not eating or drinking anything for hours when you have depression is incredibly draining. That warm feeling in your stomach after finally eating something substantial was relieving to feel. You loved Vergil so much, but even now you just couldn’t see why he cared about you...

You felt guilty about not showering now; Like a big, lazy piece of trash who can’t even look nice for her doting boyfriend. His gesture was supposed to make you feel good but all you could feel was contempt for yourself. You ate the sandwich anyway, missing the frown on Vergil’s face.

The phone rang, suddenly, and Vergil excused himself to pick it up. The blue twin sent a curt greeting down the receiver, listening to the message on the other end.

“Dante, I told you I wasn’t working today.” Vergil spoke firmly. Ah, there was another thing you felt guilty for; Your lover was fobbing off work to spend time taking care of you. This made you sink into your chair, a hot feeling of shame on your face. 

He had a job, but because you were an unemployed disaster, he was skimping on work. 

__

_It’s all because of you. You’re just a stupid piece of shit and you don’t deserve him!_

The awful voice rings in your mind again, telling you all the terrible things you already feel about yourself. You lose your appetite, but Vergil made a sandwich for you, so you force yourself to eat it all.

“Dante, I’m sure whatever the job is you can handle it yourself. Yes, that _is_ the closest thing to a compliment you’ll ever get from me, brother.” The surly older twin snaps, not with true malice however. That’s just how they talk. 

Vergil then turns to look at you, seeing your head in your hands on the table. Your boyfriend tells Dante that he’ll get back to him later, hanging up the phone to sit next to you once more.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” He asks you, his stony face not betraying him as it hides the worry he feels for you. He places his hand on your back and starts to rub soothingly.

“Go…” You mumble, tears running down your arms. Vergil asks you what you mean and you snap at him.

“Just go! Stop wasting your time taking care of me and do what’s important.” You have a sour taste in your mouth, not really wanting to yell at the man you loved but you just felt so shitty from all the sacrifices he makes for you.

Vergil is taken aback at your outburst, not sure what to say. He wants to be with you, not because he feels like he has to but because he _wants_ to. 

Try telling you that.

He loved you so much, but watching you beat yourself up was painful for him. As a survivor of self-inflicted pain in his own right, he knew how much it killed you inside to feel this way. To push people away because you feel like you’re not good enough for them. You may not be thirsty for power like he was in his youth, but he can still see the same sadness and feelings of worthlessness weigh you down.

“If you want me to leave, then I’ll leave…. I want you to be happy.” You sniff and say nothing, unsure what to say to him. You settle for tiredly nodding your head.

Vergil stands there for a moment before he gently places a kiss on the top of your head. He promises to be back soon and asks you to take care of yourself as he steps towards the door, Yamato in hand.

You smile weakly as he leaves, but once he’s gone do you feel the emptiness of your home. You start to cry softly, ugly sobs wracking your body. How on earth could he possibly want you? So many people in your life have abandoned you, all stating their various reasons why you were valueless to them.

You had tried and failed to build healthy connections with people for so long that when Vergil came along you were terrified of being yourself. Those feelings had only gotten worse when he introduced you to Dante at the latter’s demands. He’d wanted to meet the famous Y/N who had swooped Princess Vergil off of her feet.

He’s gotten stabbed at least fifty times for that comment.

The memory made you smile a small bit before you went back to wallowing. Vergil was trying to be a good person now and he was making great steps forward, and that was another reason why you hated yourself.

He was working through a recovery of his own, after doing many terrible things to people including himself and his family. He didn’t need someone like you dragging him down. Afterall, your own family ostracised you years before that. You’re simultaneously afraid of him rejecting you and of you dragging him down like so many people have accused you of doing. 

You were struggling not to blow it and the pressure was intense. A huff escapes you as you pick up the book he was reading. You skimmed over the page it was open on, not wanting to lose your boyfriend’s place. You were reading to distract yourself, but it wasn’t working.

In your depression you tend to repeat events over and over again in your head. You remembered all the times people had called you worthless, the times when the people closest to you stabbed you in the back and broke your trust.

You have been mistreated time and time again to the point where you believe that you deserve it. You think to yourself how you’re pathetic and stupid and unwanted, using the lack of job offers as evidence to attest to the fact that nobody wants you.

The crippling pain of lack of value and isolation overwhelmed you as you continued to sob. You wondered if you even deserved to exist. You thoughts continue to spiral and swirl around in your head like an onslaught of vicious hatred against you. 

_You’re pathetic. You’re stupid. The world would be better off without you. Vergil hates you! Why don’t you just go and die?!_

You were hyperventilating now, an endless stream of tears gushing from your red, puffy eyes. You couldn’t take this anymore; You felt guilt just for being alive. You glanced up at the clock. Ten-thirty! Vergil’s been gone for hours already and you’ve just sat there feeling sorry for yourself.

You didn’t know if these thoughts were your own or if they were fueled by your depression. All you knew was that you were in a manic haze of hatred and anger against yourself. 

**TRIGGER WARNING: DEPICTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS**

You were angry at yourself; Livid and disgusted. A person like you needs to be punished, you’d decided. Your depression was in full control at this point as you grabbed a knife and lashed at your wrist. Your other scars had faded as it had been a while since you’d felt this way. 

Your blood splatters onto the kitchen counter, a hiss of pain escaping you as you wince and grip the wound with a dish rag. The sting of pain had only fueled your hateful thoughts as you lashed again, and again and again. 

Tears of hatred burn streaks of lava down your cheeks, blood seeping from your wound as it runs down your arms in rivulets. You’d done this to yourself and you believed that you deserved it. Your mind was having a bout of hysteria and you couldn’t control it. Vergil wasn’t here to help you and you wondered if he ever really cared.

Of course, Vergil had done nothing but love and care for you, but your mental health was tricking you into believing that he didn’t. You’ve been abandoned too many times to believe someone could ever truly want or love you. You felt yourself rushing up the stairs, not really seeing anything that’s happening beyond the sheet of red rage that tinted your vision.

You stumble into the bathroom, tripping over something and falling into the bath. 

You were finally going to end all of this.

**END TRIGGER WARNING**

——————————————————

A few hours later, Vergil steps into your home. He feels a strange foreboding feeling wash over him. The house is silent, most of the rooms are dark and you are nowhere to be found.

“Y/N? Y/N!” He’s getting even more worried now, he doesn’t know why but he does know why at the same time. No, there’s no way you would have done this to yourself… Vergil’s speed increases as he rushes up the stairs, his demon awakened at the smell of human blood.

Oh, god, what have you done, Y/N?

**TRIGGER WARNING: AFTERMATH OF SELF-HARM**

Your loving boyfriend busts the door down to your shared bathroom, stepping inside and freezing at the awful sight. Vergil’s heart stops pumping for just a split second as he witnesses your limp form sprawled in the bath. The water was filled half-way, stained red with your blood and you were hanging out of the tub lifelessly. 

Vergil couldn’t react fast enough; He was frantic and stressed as he tended to you, lifting you from the tub and setting you on your shared bed. He cleaned your wounds and wrapped your bandages with the first aid kit in the bathroom. 

“Y/N! Can you hear me? Stay with me..!” Your lover tried to coax a reaction out of you, your pulse terrifyingly slow. Your breathing is shallow and laboured as you struggle to stay alive. He can’t lose you, he just can’t! 

Vergil just couldn’t understand why you didn’t love yourself the way he loved you.

You were beautiful and kind, intelligent and loving; You were everything Vergil wanted in his life partner and, most importantly, you _loved <\i> him. _

__

You loved him despite everything he has ever done; You encourage him to be a better person when he feels like he’s a lost cause. If he can’t save you from this pain then he’s failed as a partner, in his eyes.

But he won’t fail you. 

His power explodes around the both of you, with you being shielded by his form. Two sets of large, draconic wings sprout from his back as horns and other sharp appendages follow suit. Vergil is much larger now that he has triggered, his height hitting an even seven feet.

He wraps your trembling form in a large, dry bath towel and quickly skirmishes out the window, managing to open it and get the both of you through it without somehow blasting the thing to pieces; Vergil was still Vergil, afterall.

Your heart’s tiny, weakened beats fueled him. He wouldn’t let you die; He had power now, he had to protect you.

He just had to…

**END TRIGGER WARNING  
** ———————————————

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

God, shut that thing the hell up! Wait, what is it? 

You slowly crack open your eyes, the harsh white light burning into your vision one thousand times worse than the sunlight did earlier. A quick glance of your surroundings tells you that you’re in a hospital. You look down and see the bandages around your arms, a few stains of blood soaked into them.

Something blue catches your eye and you see Vergil, slumped over in a chair across from you. He was covered in bloodstains (Yours or his prey’s, you didn’t know) and he looked utterly terrible. He had dark bags under his eyes and his hair had unkempt bangs falling around his face. It looked like he’s been worried sick for hours.

You’d done that to him.

Guilt starts to rise like bile in your throat and all you can do is look down in shame as you start to sob. Your muted weeping is still enough to wake up a half devil and he jolts awake, his head whipping up to look at you.

“Y/N!” He calls your name, relief flooding onto his features. He gets up and wraps his arms around you as well as he can with the awkward position. You just push your face into his chest and wrap your arms around his neck, sobbing into his clothes.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” You mumble against him, slurring your words together throughout a string of hiccups and sobs. He shushes you, stroking your hair and rocking you gently. 

“Don’t apologise, you are not at fault. I just want you to be alive… I want you to believe that you’re worthy. You mean everything to me, Y/N. I love you…” The dark slayer hushes you, kissing the top of your head gently. 

“Do you believe me?” Vergil asks, whispering into your ear. You assumed he must have gotten you here himself; Why would a creature that can fly faster than any land vehicle wait for an ambulance? It was here that you realised the full extent of Vergil’s love for you. He must have been so worried…

Why have you done this to him? Why have you done this to yourself? 

“I believe you, Vergil. I love you too. Sometimes I just feel like I don’t matter, that nobody wants me…” You say, tears still running down your cheeks. The love of your life wipes them away with his thumb, gently stroking your face.

“ _I_ want you, Y/N. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything. When I thought you were gone it killed me. I thought I’d failed you…” You can see him tear up ever so slightly. Vergil wasn’t typically the type of man to cry or even admit that he could, but you could still see the tiniest glimmer.

Maybe you just knew him that well.

You pull him into a soft kiss, your tears staining his face. You felt such guilt for doing this to Vergil, to yourself, but you knew now how much he loved you. You didn’t want to think about how we would react if you had been successful in your attack against yourself.

“I… I need therapy, Vergil. I can’t do this on my own.” You finally admit, not just to him, but yourself. Your mental health has taken such a major hit, that you knew it was the only option. You had tried to _take your own life._

God, you imagined how Vergil would’ve beaten himself up. How he would have likely closed off from everyone and gone down another dark path. With this revelation do you finally realise how much you matter to him. 

He needed you and you needed him. Vergil stares into your red, puffy eyes, leaning in to kiss you once more.

“I will get you all the help you need. I will support you through this and when you’re ready you _will_ get another job. Any employer who ignores you is merely a fool who cannot appraise value well.” Your love states, his confidence contagious.

You nod, pushing your face into his neck, your tears finally drying. All you could think about was how lucky you were to have Vergil; Despite all of those people mistreating you or ostracising you in the past, you had finally met someone who truly loves you. 

Suddenly, you felt bad for all those losers; They didn’t have a Vergil of their own. 

They never would.


End file.
